Friday, April 5, 2013
It happens every year. The sun starts to come out more regularly and all of the sudden I'm in the best.moods.ever because the only thing that's on my mind is summer... all the lake days on the boat with my summer playlist making life feel like a music video/ the tan skin, freckles, and sun kissed highlights/ the poolside afternoons with an ice cold Dr. Pepper and a 17 Magazine in hand. Pure bliss.
Well usually around this time I start to itch for that one perfect-absolutely-positively-favorite new bikini. And then I'm in the dressing room taking my clothes off and seeing my bod in a bathing suit for the first time in 6+ months. And I get that feeling. That unsure, self-conscious, "I really look like this right now?" kind of feeling. Again. "Did I forgot what I look like? Have my hips always protruded like this? None of these fit right. I hate this on me." My thoughts are wondering, my heart is falling, and next thing I know I'm in an emotional puddle on the floor of that dressing room. Again. [Didn't I go through this before?] Yes, pretty much annually I think. But to be honest I'm not sure what it really is. If it's actually dissatisfaction with my own body or just the effects of constant comparison with the size zeros down the hall. Maybe both, I don't really know you guys.
And I wish I was going to end this post with an encouraging statement or realization but I'm not. I'm still struggling. And I know I'm not alone in this, so many girls feel the same way but somehow that doesn't help. Because that won't change the fact that I'll never have mile-long legs or a voluptuous upper body region. I just wonder- will I ever be completely happy with myself? I know, I know, I'm focusing too much on the exterior. And I know this world is about more than just appearance. But gosh darn it, why is it so consuming then? Tell me that much you little 5'3 firecracker you. Can't you just be content with yourself? Please?
Posted by Camryn at 11:00 AM